dust in the wind

i've have been rather occupied for the last few weeks with quite a bit of spacing out and momentary lapse of reasons somewhere in between. while this fragile mind of mine have been busy handing off unwanted elements that have been fucking up my brain lately, i do managed to find some epiphanies to all that has happened since last year.

there has been too many battle scars... too many pain... too many bitterness... and to say it has all been worth while, i would be a fucking hypocrite cos i'm still waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel... i'm still waiting for the sweetness after all the bitterness... i'm still waiting for some satisfaction after all the patience and persistence... just like war, happiness is a perceived victory with a very hefty price tag.

love remains elusive. its an ideal that i've always look for, but never did realize it. hoping for, but never really understand why do i even want it. is it wrong to hope something in return after i've given so much, or have i? is love=sex? or sex=love? compromise i've done, in the name of love and sacrifice.... so it was... regret i may... but i do realize that love actually is real... but realizing it, is a totally different animal all together.

"we are what we believes" some say and i agree to that. my believe is my integrity. nobody can take that away from me. i believe in honest opinion, even though it hurts. sometime truth hurts, but it is the truth and friendship should always be built based on this. if it is not, then it is just merely acquaintances. i believe in my own life values no matter how stupid and trivial it may sound to others. these are my integrity. tolerate i may, but compromise i will not.

our integrity sells for so little
but it is all we really have
it is the very last inch of us
but within that inch, we are free

i was wrong to believe that life is about reaching a destiny, settling down and being in a comfort zone. but then again, not to be a dick about it, i have to agree that it does work for some people... but not for me... definitely not for me. my life is all about the journey, with no exact destination. x does not mark the spot. apperently this is god's plan for me. but then again, i do seek challenge... i love being on the edge... and come to think of it, that sounds like a plan. accept it i have to, but bow down and loose i don't intend to. i guess he must be laughing his ass off looking at me and my scheme of things.

right, wrong, weak, strong
ashes to ashes all fall down
look around about this round about
this merry-go-round and around
well if at all god's gaze upon us falls
it's with a mischievous grin, look at him

life come with certain expectations and responsibilities, thus require us to make certain compromise for the sake of others. wisdom do tell us of the things we're suppose to do... but never did tell us what to do... go figure.

two fools for a minute

some evenings i would just do this favor for my dude and sent him home. its not really out of the way, but its not really on the way either... but then again what the heck, hes my dude. the trip normally require us to go thru some idiotic traffic jam and get stuck. after a full day at work and getting our ass chewed by the boss and clients we definitely don't need this shit. but i guess as human we always have our way of turning bad thing into something cool. so what is our solution? weed... a fucking bob marley standard weed...

we would just sit in the car, driving slowly, minding our business and smoke the dragon. and as always, it hit the spot. in fact its better than alco man. seriously.... hhhmmm... give me a sec and let me think about that again.... yeah.. seriously better than alco. then the dude would say "dude, fuck my brain...". i would obliged, put on dmb songs and let the music fuck our brains till kingdom come. it's amazing. at that moment we are kings. we are lord of the jungle. we are so toe-up!!! we have nothing to worry. life just worth living. everything just go on a slow-mo kind of mode. the music would just carry us away from all the misery and pain. . our souls just soar mightily and nothing else matter.

i see it comin'
yeah, and this one is ours
we got heaven right here on earth
ain't nothin' like it
when you're reachin' for stars
and you grab one
for what it is worth

cause these are good times
damn good times
talkin' about good times
damn good times

at that moment we are just comfortably numb and we ain't gonna have it any other way...

ramble on

don't you just hate it when you have the same song keep lingering in your head for days? i've been having this one particular song keep humming in my head the last few days. so much so that i wish i could just bang my head (oh fuck... thats another song... now that song gonna be in my head), crack it open and take it out. its driving be fucking nut...

i'm one card short of a full deck
i'm not quite the shilling
one wave short of a shipwreck
i'm not my usual top billing
i'm coming down with a fever
i'm really out to sea
this kettle is boiling over
i think i'm a banana tree

last saturday, i even try to watch porn just to get it out. crap... it failed. then i tried smoking it out. it failed again. i guess this what you'll turned into if you get busted too much in your lifetime. brain cells burned and dead. it suppose to make my brain slower with short memory lapse but somehow or rather it make certain part of my brain stickier... hhhmm... that actually make sense...

i'm definitely a banana tree now...

silent lucidity

last night while lying on the sofa after getting myself busted, all these bad dreams start spinning in my head. my mind trick me to feel the pain of someone close to me leaving the game of life. so here it is, another chance. wide awake to face the day... the dream is over, or has it just begun?

there's this place that i like to hide, a doorway that i can run through in the night. been there but only didn't realize that i was scared. it's a place where i will learn to face my fears, retrace the years and ride the whim of my mind. commanding in another world i hear and see the magical new dimension. put it into a permanent form, persist in my efforts, maybe i can achieve dream control. be able to smile again... in silent lucidity.

if you open your mind to me and won't rely on open eyes to see, all these walls that i've built within is tumbling down whilst a new world begin. living twice at once i've learned that i can be safe from pain in the dream domain. a soul set free to fly. a round trip journey in my head, master of illusion, i realized my dream's alive, i can be guided but...

only time can tell...

time

ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
you fritter and waste the hours in an off-hand way
kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
waiting for someone or something to show you the way

tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
you are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
and then the one day you find ten years have got behind you
no one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

and you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
racing around to come up behind you again
sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older
shorter of breath and one day closer to death

i guess i can either be busy living or busy dying
since i'm definitely not ready to meet "the maker" yet, i have no other choice but to be busy living...

so fuck it... lets roll the joint and rock on.....

don't eat the yellow snow

when i look back i realise my music appreciation journey has been quite interesting that it warrant an entry into this blog of mine. well, its my blog so i decide!!

as i move on to my puberty life during secondary school i was introduced to scorpion, and i tell you that was it. at that moment nothing can beat scorpion. they are everything. the voice, the guitar riff. its like "i'm there dude...". slowly but surely i got deeper into rock, heavy metal, etc and starting to like def leppard (pyromania was and will be their best album ever), iron maiden, metallica... stuffs like that. to me rock and heavy metal is my life. i even have one of those pvc pants and low cut slim fit jeans to go with it and mind you wearing one of those tight pvc pants in malaysian weather is definitely a challange by itself. but hey... you got to do what you got to do to be a true rocker...

then i reached to the point-of-no-return in my musical journey. i started to listen to frank zappa. for a man who recruited stevie vai and called him "the italian virtuoso", being the father of indie label, a lagend and having 50 odd albums to his credit; he must be fucking good right. jazz from hell they call his music. he even do 100 pieces live show. with songs title like "my guitar gonna kill your mama", "frog song", "muffin man", "dancing fools", "stink-foot", "plastic people", etc. top that!!! soon i was introduced to primus with album titled "sailing the sea of cheese", "anti pop", etc. as quirky but heavier. loving it as well... i guess this is one of those moment you can say "fate definitely choose me". nevertheless it was fantastico de mayo!!!!

this morning... as i was driving to the office as usual and listening to frank zappa cd another one of those self-realisation kicks in. i am quirky. i am weird. i am eccentric. just look at the music i listen to. wow.... no wonder i find it hard to fit in.

to a certain extend being different makes me feel good but there are times i feel shitty as well. hey... how many people can you find that is able to talk passionately about frank zappa and primus music right?

i guess this is me and i have to accept it... i won't have it any other way. the world have to fit to me now... not the other way around... in a true frank zappa's words...

i've got trouble on my own, i said...
an' you can't help me out...
so take your meditations an' your preparations...
an' ram it up yer snout...