comfortably numb

hello?
is there anybody in there?
just nod if you can hear me
is there anyone at home?

there is no pain you are receding
a distant ship's smoke on the horizon
you are only coming through in waves
your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
when I was a child I had a fever my hands felt just like two balloons
now I've got that feeling once again
i can't explain, you would not understand
this is not how I am

it's saturday... i came to the office to finish up some works... or is it?
the truth is i'm feeling fuckup. i just need something to put in in the numb zone
i've been trying to be strong and be ok, but i fail miserably

if there ever such thing as hope, faith and believe in god even as fragile that i'm feeling at the moment, thats the only thing i can hang on to right now
it's painful, it hurts to my spine but what more can i do

i'm in my darkest moment, deepest end of the abyss and i'm all alone

god... come near me... hear my prayer... help me...
return those moments back to me...

come back to me

this is my second entry of the day. i just have to write something or i'll have a major mental break down soon. i feel so alone... so empty... my heart is crying for the love of my life that walked away from me. while i'm preparing for the worst time of my life i can't help it but feel really really sad and frustrated. i can't do this alone. i have no energy. i have no soul anymore. its really difficult and i mean fucking difficult to move on without my soulmate. i've asked, i've begged and i've been on my knee asking her to give me another chance... but the answer have been "no... i don't want... i don't want to have anything to do with you anymore"... and it's killing me...

i honestly regret for what i've done wrong... and if she ever reads this, my hope is that she will dig deep into her heart and still find all the happiness when we're together and give me another chance. i'm doin everything to be with her but so far it seems like its not enough... it really breaks my heart... and i'm helpless...

my dear "grace"
please forgive me..
please give me another chance to come back to you and do it right...

my dear "grace"
please remember all the things that we've been through together.. the good and the bad and we always find the courage to still be together...

my dear "grace"
i've given everything of me to you and kept nothing for myself.. and thats an honest truth...
you are everything to me and i am so fucking hopeless without you...

my dear "grace"
i'm broken, burned and bruised... please come back and pick me up again...

my dear "grace".... i love you....
my dear "grace".... please give me another chance... please....

home sweet home

i'm not really sure what to write actually... in fact i'm not really sure what to feel or how to behave the past few days or so. there's too much sadness, guilt, regret and emptiness in me. and to make things really shitty, there also too much work to be done. crap!!!!

its been really tough trying to juggle my brain from not thinking all those issues in my head and focus on my works. really tough. as i was gulping my ever satisfying warm stout yesterday, a friend of mine keep telling me that i'm not emotionally stable and has always been. hhhmm... maybe i am, but then again what makes me "emotionally unstable" at the first place anyway? crap la... i'm asking question again... fuck you brain... damn you...

well.. to put it in a more politically correct manner i guess i'm just free spirited and eccentric (not weird though) with a huge manic depressive swing somewhere in the middle. i move from one extreme to one extreme like how i smoke nowadays and that mean fucking frequent. dragging my leg through the days its like business as usual nowadays. definitely not a pretty sight. but i must admit alcohol, smoke and weed help though... at the moment...

lately, in between those times that i spaced out (more often nowadays...) i've realised that i'm a free spirited person and flying like a bird cos i'm always looking for a place call home... looking for a sense of belonging...

i've actually found my home and where i belong. i actually found someone that can actually understand me without me having to explain or justify myself. it was great... it was heavenly... but being an asshole that i am, i somehow managed to loose it. its really painful. it really is...

as the days come and go the only thing i hang on to now is hope. hope that miracle might just...

bring it back... bring it back... don't take it away from me
cos you don't know what it mean to me....

empty rooms

loneliness is your only friend
a broken heart that just won't mend
is the price you pay

it's hard to take when love grows old
the days are long and the nights turn cold
when it fades away


you hope that she will change her mind
but the days drift on and on
you'll never know the reason why she's gone

you see her face in every crowd
you hear her voice, but you're still proud
so you turn away

you tell yourself that you'll be strong
but your heart tells you
this time you're wrong

you hope that she will change her mind
but the days drift on and on
you'll never know the reason why she's gone

empty rooms
where you'll learn to live without love
in an empty rooms, loneliness is your only friend

i guess for what i've done and for all the things i've taken for granted...
i deserve all these...
i'm full of regrets... i regret for all the things that i've done wrong...
if i can turn back the clock i would do it all over again, but better...
if there is ever a chance i'll take it and hang on to it forever...

but then again... will there ever be another chance?

coming back to life

my mind have been lingering aimlessly and hopelessly the last couple of weeks.. there's so many conflicts, in fact too many conflicts in my head. burning questions with no answer. i was hoping that maybe god would give me a hint or something about what i should do.. i was wrong.. god definitely has abandoned me..

so.. continuing with my life i pick up my bag and went to the gym yesterday.. as usual i went to the rpm class. really pushed myself and almost kill myself along the way but i felt good after that. in the shower, my mind start it usual thing which is thinking at the odd most time. the water run through my body and it felt amazing.. soon after that i realize that at the end of the day we are alone in whatever we are facing. you can talk about it with your "bestest" friend or even family but the only thing they gonna say is "be patient" or "sabar la ye" and they will continue with their life. self realization definitely kicked in. i need to move on. i need to just bite the bullet and pick up the pieces one by one, one day at a time and see where it takes me.

wow.. the "dude" definitely work in mysterious way...

so today.. i feel better and i hope it stays on. i have too much to do. i can't afford to space out anymore or my boss will kick my ass. life is too short to cry, but long enough to try. hhhmmm just remembered that from one of helloween song. that is so very true.

sometime in life we choose our own fate.. but sometime fate choose us....

tears in heaven

would you know my name...
if i saw you in heaven...
would it be the same...
if i saw you in heaven...

bismillah hirahman nirahim
in the name of allah, most gracious, most merciful

its exactly a year today since i lost her...
its been a year that i'm not able to hold her...
its been a year that i'm not able to look at those round, beautiful innocent eyes...
its been a year that i'm not able to smell her...















god... if you are the most gracious, the most merciful... why did you take her away from me?
god... why did you make her go through all the pain?
god... why did you impose to me such test?
god... why me?
god... where are your most gracious and most merciful quality?

god... please stop all these tests of yours for a while...
god... please cut me some slack here...
god... please help me...

i miss her... i miss her dearly....

grace is gone

as i woke up this morning i felt something different. there's a feeling of emptiness inside me. i don't really have that "thing" that i look forward to everyday anymore. i just realised that my "grace" has gone.

as i was driving to the office after completing my usual chore i can't stop thinking about "grace". i look forward to talking to her every morning and she always make my day. if talking on the phone is not enough, we had breakfast together and again we talk; and we talk nonsense most of the time. we enjoy every moment of it.

but that moment has gone. "grace" is gone.

i keep repeating a stevie vai song and cried. the pain is unbearable. even without lyrics the song just says it all. sadness, anger, frustration, happy, love, hate, confuse, believe, conflict, faith, madness... everything. to make it more painful, me and "grace" love the song. we use to get high and listen to it again and again and never get bored. we watch it on the dvd for god knows how many times. we just get it. we just understand the feeling and meaning behind it.

but that moment has gone. "grace" is gone.

then i received a sms saying "hi". it's from "grace". i can't help it but feel fucking happy. i called her and sudden feeling of sadness rushed in. tears start to come out as we speak. i miss her so very much. i hang on to the fragile feeling and tell myself to enjoy the moment. i close my eyes and imagine that "grace" is beside me. but soon after that... reality kicks in...

"grace" is gone....

the glass prison

my conversation with missy x

me: if you ever wanna be with someone you should always choose someone that can be your soulmate
missy x: ok.. that sound simple enough but how do you know that this someone is your soulmate or has achieved the "soulmate" brand approval?

my 10 gallon head answer

when it comes to finding partner we always tend to be too focus on the so called 'big' thing i.e. can he/she be responsible?, can he/she takes care of me and maybe the kids? can he/she guide me? we focus too much one those things that it is very usual for us to forget or miss look the small things. we didn't notice that it is the small things that makes all us to be able to do the "big" things without even being ask. it is the small things that the relation last because there are more "honesty" in it. everyone have its own little things or even ritual that is value to them i.e. listening music deeply after a good joint, really watch a movie from the "angle" that both of you can appreciate and discuss about it later.. this are the values that need to be shared and these are the values that make two person "soulmate". he/she is your soulmate when they can share and appreciate those small things or values with you.

unfortunately; the reality to me..

i found my soulmate too much later then it should have been. i have a current "responsibility" and fulfilling it but i'm really into her as well. it makes me a better person. it even make me closer to god. it pushes me to achieve my dream and along the way has a good effect on the current "responsibility". but god just wont let me be with her. i'm frustrated, angry, confuse and sad. i don't understand it.

god.. if it makes me a better human and a better servant why can't you grant me this wish? is it too much to ask? there are times i just don't understand god wisdom.... i'm in a glass prison. i can see that happiness is out there but i can't have it.. fuck!!!!

for the love of god...

i've always drifted away from the so called "straight" line of life where all good moral human said i should be. to say that i manage quite ok with that is really an understatement, cos i suck big time at it.. then again i justified to myself by saying.. well.. at least im still aware about god and understand what is required of me... it actually work most of the time, but as time, age & conscious get the better of me i'm beginning to feel uneasy... but then again.. what am i looking for in life? what would make me realise there are bigger things to focus and can keep you on the "straight" line? hhhhmmm......

if life is ever like a football game, i'm definately at the half time period now. trashed badly in the first half, cuts and bruises all over.. tired.. aimless... to win this game i better be prepared for the second half. i better know what i want and how to get it. i need to focus. i need a reason to do it and i really need to huge reason to be able to push me through. i need a "godly" goal to reach and and i need a "godly" reason to get me there... wow... is there ever be such thing?

what is the different between justification and selfishness? does having a good justification and big as "godly" thing mean your a still being selfish? but then again.. where do you draw the line?

god... i've found my reason.. i've found my goal... i've found my love... i've found someone to be with and push this through... i've found the path to be close to you... but if its gonna hurt a few innocent souls shoud i just go with it? is it ok to see suffering just to achieve the "godly" goal? am i being selfish or i'm suppose to say fuck it.. im doin it..?

my god... my father.. for all the sins i've done.. for all the suffering i've caused... please look deep inside my heart and find some goodness in me and accept me back in your arms... help me please..

what breaks a heart.... encore

1. when true and honest love can't be together...
2. when true and honest love is not allowed to be together...
3. when all hope are lost...
   
4. when you can't hold someone you love dearly close to you anymore...
5. when you can't look at those innocent eyes anymore...
6. when you can't smell love anymore...
7. when you are at the front door and you see your love just pass by by with someone else...
   
8. when god abandoned you...
9. when what you believe and have faith in turn their back on you..

its 2:32pm, 16th may 08. i'm a lost soul... devastated, frustrated, and feel so fucked....

good bye my lover, goodbye my friend
you have been the one, you have been the one for me...
im so hollow baby.. i'm so hollow...

what breaks a heart

i've always wanted to write a blog but never really get down and actually do it. actually managed to force myself to register but end up forgetting the id and password. what a dumbass...

but finally today i've got a reason to register again and write. 16th may 08. what a day..

today.. my heart crash and broke in pieces... today i lost my soul... having being on the deepest end since last year... i never thought things can never get any fuck up than it already is.. never thought that i can fall in any deeper.. but i guess i can...

after all the things i went thru all these years, i thought i know what god is.. what life is.. what love is... but suddenly today i feel like an infant.. lost... confuse... anger... sadness... stupid.. alone... hollow... dumbshit... dumbass....

god... please don't abandon me.... please.....