heart of gold

this week has been very hectic. busy to the bone. but yesterday i manage to squeeze some time to drop by my sis in law place to see my son for a while. i have to admit that i miss them so very much. when i reached there, my second is sleeping. my first, alif ran to me and i hugged him. we chat and laugh. he is such a funny dude. we just chat and chat. after a while, noticing that i was a bit sleepy, he actually clear his color pencils and toys on the sofa and told me to rest there. what a dude... so considerate. as i lay down he ask whether my shoe is new. its not of cos. then he notice there's a instant shoe shine and ask whether i want him to polish my shoe. didn't think too much of it as i was almost in la la land, i just said ok and dozed of.

about an hour after that i woke up, went to the bathroom, wash my face and just went to him. while talking to him, i realized its almost 3pm. need to go to another meeting at 4pm. as i was getting ready, told him that i have to go back to work. being the cool dude that he is, his reply was just "ok". at the front stairs before i leave, he just pointed at my shoe and just ask "ayah, is your shoe ok?". what a surpsrise... my shoes was clean and shiny. he actually polished my shoes. what a good son. i said thank you and said "come here and hug me". he smile and come to me. as i was hugging him another surprise happened. he pat my back and said "be a good man...". i was so touch by it... my son... just seven years old and yet so understanding, considerate, mature and strong. as much as i want to console him and tell him that things will be ok, to my surprise he is the one that actually console me... i kissed him, walked to the car and drove of.

in the car, i felt really proud...proud how much my son has grown. slowly... i smile and tell myself... "despite all the things that i felt i've done wrong, i must have done something right as well. hhhmmm... i'm not a totally fucked up father after all..."

that i would be good

started the day rather slow today. weekend is something that i don't really look forward nowadays. sleep is more of a necessity rather than the need to rest. slept around 4:30am this morning and woke up around 8:30am. had promised my sis that i would pick up my mom and send her to the dentist. i'm ok with that. at least i can see her and chat with her, since i didn't see her last weekend.

my mom is a typical old school minang woman; great cook, moody, say what she want to say, demanding and use to beat the hell out of me when i was a kid for my misdemeanor. but than again shes the only mom that i got and i love her. she had tried her best and i don't expect any better than what she has given. i'm cool with that. when i reached her place, she was laying on the sofa. as i walked and and just about to sit beside her, i noticed that she has been crying. with a very sad voice, she said she in pain and she has to go thru it alone. she has this nerve kind of pain on her face for several years and it is worst now since it has effected her gum and teeth. she in extreme pain most of the time. as she was crying i can see that she is in pain.

as i wipe her tears, i try not to cry. i don't want her to see that i'm sad. she need love and strength from me, but i can't deny that i feel helpless... only god know how sad and helpless i felt. i wish i have more to offer. i wish i have more energy to give her. i wish i have bigger and longer arms so that i can just wrap it around her. i wish i can take the pain away from her. but i cant. i myself is constantly seeking for some extra energy to go thru my daily life. i myself is dragging my legs thru life. i myself is seeking for a helping hand. and all these make me really sad.

after dropping her and my sis at the dentist, i can't help but thinking about her. my head and heart just filled with sadness. sad becos i can't give her more than what i can now. sad that i can't be any stronger than what i am now. sad that i can't offer more of myself to her now. sad that i can't be any bigger that what i am now. sad that i can't.....

i hope i can make her happy during this last part of her life journey. i hope she will get all the happiness she deserves. just like with my late father, i hope i can make her smile when that day finally come...

wasted sunsets

yesterday was the first time i watched this crime drama series called "in plain sight". its about this hot us marshall lady who work in the witness protection program, baby sitting all the scums who turn to federal with valuable information. blah.. blah... blah... well, you know how the american love to create heroes and dramatised everything, but then again lets not be a dick about it shall we. its really nothing to shout about, but one thing do catch my attention. towards the end she says "we are afraid of change. we always said we want change but change scares us..." or something like that. my point is, that is so true. we always have this conversation with our little voice about wanting to change, about wanting to be special, about taking the risk... cos we deserve it. but the truth is, it actually scare the shit out of us. hey... it scares the shit out of me and i'm still trying to get over it.

but a bigger question is "why?". what is it about change, that despite we want something so special, something so pure, something that can liberate us... we always find ourself not doing it? and this include me sometime. is it becos of the risk? is it becos we are actually stuck in our comfort zone? is it becos we are influenced by our surrounding without us noticing it? is it about moral? is it about wrong and right? is it about what others might say? is it about not being popular anymore? is it about not having friends anymore? is it about what our family especially our parent might think of us? and most of us hope that time will settle it for us. we hope that time or fate will make something happen so that we don't have to go thru the scary shit and opportunity will just present itself at our doorstep. to make it worst we always justify to ourself by saying "its ok... there will be another time. there's always better things await me in the future". yeah rite...

there is no "future" without "present". there is no no. 2 without no. 1. that's a fact. and if you think you gonna move by just standing still, be my guest. we can't always hope for a better chance in the future but not willing to take a chance with what is already in front us. we can't just hope and pray but not willing to do our end of the bargain. we can't just say that we have faith but not willing to have faith in faith itself.

to change the world, start with one step
however small, the first step is hardest of all
once you get your gait, you'll be walkin' tall
you said you never did, cos you might die tryin'
cos you might die tryin', cos you...

if you close your eyes cos the house is on fire
and think you couldn't move until fire dies
the things you never did, oh, cos you might die tryin'
cos you might die tryin', you'd be as good as dead
cos you might die tryin', cuz you might die tryin'

i've taken a small step forward. its a small, hard, painful step but at least i've done something. i've started to make the change. i've started to take the risk. as much as i tend to still look backward, i'm slowly learning to look forward. i'm learning to filter the noise and just take the music. i'm learning to accept that its my life and i need to live it the way i feel rite. i'm learning to accept that only me can make me happy. i'm learning to accept that to a certain extend nobody should be telling me whats important to me when they don't know me. honestly, its hard. its painful, but one thing for sure... i don't wanna die trying... i just wanna do it...

sometime the "present" is more important than the "future".

running to stand still

i've just written the first line of my new life chapter. i'm out of the comfort zone and pulled the break on doing things within my circle of concerns. as i drove away i'm not sure of what am i feeling or what to feel. there are thousands of questions and feelings inside me rite now that i don't even know which one to attend to. i'm just tired attending to all those feelings. i'm tired of trying to figure out what is wrong and what is right. in a way, now i know how does it feel to be a zombie. walking, roaming with eyes wide open but fill with emptiness. no way to go, no where to land, no direction, no soul.

but one thing i've just realised is that its not really a good timing to start my life all over again at this age. the reason being is that you can't really rely on your friends to give you a pat in the back and say things will be ok, cos most of em have their own problems. and finding a place to lay my head and tired legs is definitely a challenge as well. being not financially stable adds on the the already long list of issues i've been trying not to think about. to make things worst, next week i'm gonna start on another consulting work at the client place. focus, focus, focus. that's what i've been telling myself, but its really a tough act to follow when you are constantly hammered from all angle.

i've listed more than three decade of my tiredness. it was 3 pages full on. a dear friend put it in much nicer way by saying, its one page per decade. yeah.. i suppose so. the wall is closing in fairly quick at this moment. i'm walking on a very thin ice that separate me from total insanity. all my life i've not really rely on others for comfort even in the worst moment, but i must admit that this time i really "need" help. i'm hoping for a refuge, safe haven, a soulmate that can just fill my heart with strength. i can only do this with a help from someone from my circle of influence. unfortunately there is only one person there, but i can't "reach" her. no amount of talking, convincing, persuading, fickle fuddled words can make me reach to her and make her "feel" or even "see" that i need her "presence" to give me strength to crawl myself out of this deep, dark abyss. to give me a bearing to my journey, some light in the dark and a glimpse of hope. and i promise i will return the favor by giving a life full of passion and meaning.

i am at your feet
god i want you so badly
and i wonder this
could tomorrow be
let me drink you please
i won't spill a drop, no... i promise you

i'm walking on a very fine line between hope and hopeless
i'm slipping down with no breaks
i'm drowning

please save me... please...

S.O.S

halloween

i'm tired of being angry
i'm tired of all the anger
i'm tired of all the frustration
i'm tired of being unhappy
i'm tired of being a giver
i'm tired of being responsible
i'm tired of being broke
i'm tired of not able to buy things, even necessities
i'm tired of telling myself to be positive
i'm tired of this so called law of attraction
i'm tired of others keep telling me that i'm so negative
i'm tired of telling myself that there'll be light at the end of the tunnel
i'm tired of false glimpse of light
i'm tired of false hope
i'm tired of trying to understand god's wisdom
i'm tired of all these so called god's tests
i'm tired of staring at happiness but unable to have it
i'm tired of smoking
i'm tired of drinking
i'm tired of getting myself drunk
i'm tired of dragging my legs
i'm tired of being scared
i'm tired of being brave
i'm tired of being strong
i'm tired of having to tell myself that i'm strong
i'm tired of being weak
i'm tired of wondering
i'm tired of floating
i'm tired of searching
i'm tired of looking for a home
i'm tired of being homeless
i'm tired of being lonely
i'm tired of not able to smoke weed
i'm tired of waiting for the weed to be available
i'm tired of not able to really share my "moment"
i'm tired of the surrounding that finds it hard to understand me
i'm tired of trying to make my surrounding understands me
i'm tired of not able to "put" myself to sleep
i'm tired of not able to have deep sleep
i'm tired of waking up and not able to go back to sleep
i'm tired of asking
i'm tired of begging
i'm tired of making mistakes
i'm tired of taking risks
i'm tired of being abnormal
i'm tired of being eccentric
i'm tired of believing that there's someone out there for me
i'm tired of believing that there's someone out there that can understand me
i'm tired of believing that there's someone out the that will appreciate me
i'm tired of crying alone
i'm tired of crying in the dark
i'm tired of crying in the rain
i'm tired of the sudden burst of extreme sadness
i'm tired of all the pain
i'm tired of all these sadness
i'm tired of having to tell myself that life is not that bad
i'm tired of having to tell myself that life is good
i'm tired of looking for answers
i'm tired of waiting for answers
i'm tired of all the answers
i'm tired of all the meaningless answers
i'm tired of asking questions
i'm tired of waiting for things to happen
i'm tired of believing in fate or takdir
i'm tired of explaining myself
i'm tired of being stupid
i'm tired of being smart
i'm tired of looking for love
i'm tired of searching for love
i'm tired of asking for love
i'm tired of begging for love
i'm tired of hoping for love
i'm tired of moral cops
i'm tired of all the so called morally correct decision
i'm tired of trying to convince others that i'm not that bad
i'm tired of trying to convince others that i'm worth it
i'm tired of trying to convince others that i'm worth the efforts
i'm tired of trying to convince others that i'm worth the risks
i'm tired of giving my shoulders for others to cry on
i'm tired of waiting for a shoulder to cry on
i'm tired of hoping for a shoulder to cry on
i'm tired of pretending that things are ok
i'm tired of pretending that things will be ok
i'm tired of others who pretend that they understand me
i'm tired of others who keep telling me that they can feel me
i'm tired of all the fear
i'm tired of asking for a bit of laughter
i'm tired of begging for a bit of laughter
i'm tired of hoping for a bit of laughter
i'm tired of fucking for fucking sake
i'm tired of the fickle, fuddled words
i'm tired of all the confusion
i'm tired of waiting for someone to hold
i'm tired of waiting for someone that will hold me
i'm tired of searching for someone to hold
i'm tired of searching for someone that will hold me
i'm tired of waiting for someone to hold and tell me things will be ok
i'm tired of searching for someone to hold and tell me life will be good
i'm tired of always having to look inside
i'm tired of having to always accept that it is my fault
i'm tired of saying sorry
i'm tired of apologizing
i'm tired of feeling guilty
i'm tired of self sacrifice
i'm tired of doing favors
i'm tired of asking for favors
i'm tired of pondering my future
i'm tired of hoping that someone will be able to open their mind to me
i'm tired of the barren look in my eyes
i'm tired of the endless emptiness
i'm tired of feeling hollow
i'm tired of trying to reach out
i'm tired of accepting but not accepted
i'm tired of not able to be me
i'm tired of others who need to "think" whether they can accept me
i'm tired of understanding others rational
i'm tired of justification
i'm tired of explanation
i'm tired of all the senseless talking
i'm tired of the cocky attitude
i'm tired of the self centered way of thinking
i'm tired of the "holier than thou" mind set
i'm tired of the false truth
i'm tired of the so called "good" deed
i'm tired of trying to figure out what is wrong and what is right
i'm tired of always having to make a come back
i'm tired of hiding
i'm tired of tired of running
i'm tired of waiting to be saved
i'm tired of trying to save myself
i'm tired of trying
i'm tired of filling myself with false hope
i'm tired of dreaming
i'm tired of having dreams
i'm tired of having nightmares
i'm tired of staring at emptiness
i'm tired of telling myself that i need to focus
i'm tired of pushing myself
i'm tired of being insane
i'm tired of being sane
i'm tired of just going with the flow
i'm tired of trying to take charge of my life
i'm tired of believing that i'm in charge of my life
i'm tired of feeling that i'm not in charge of my life
i'm tired of asking for some slack
i'm tired of looking for some space
i'm tired of hoping
i'm tired of hoping for hope
i'm tired of my tired eyes
i'm tired of my tired mind
i'm tired of being tired

i'm just fucking tired!!!

and i don't want the world to see me
cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am

and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movie
yeah.. you bleed just to know you're alive


maybe someday you will know who i am...

the dreaming tree

if music is an art and should be ideal and perfect, then dave matthews band or dmb is the epitome of that. the voice, the lyrics, the musicians, the improvisation, the arrangements... to the note perfection. how many singer or band sounds better live than in the studio? how many singer dare to do a "two acoustic guitars" only kind of unplugged concert and still sound amazingly complete? well... thats dave matthew.

we listen to dmb everyday, everytime and never get bored with it. to say that we are dmb fan is understated cos we consider ourselves a dmb freak... and to confirm that believe is something that we found on the net. below are excerpt from a long list:

• you refer to anybody in the band on a first name basis, people give you weird looks, then you explain.
• your friends advise you to play no dave matthews band when they come around.
• when you are drunk or stoned you explain the meaning behind most or every dmb song.
• when you hear elevator music that is transformed into dmb songs (in your mind) and you sing along and tell other people on board "this is my favorite band".
• you look up for lyrics to all the songs or listen to all the songs over and over to make sure you know all the words to every single song.
• you quote dmb lyrics in regular conversation even in text messages and make up 'dave lyrics game'.
• your friend asks you to burn your dmb cds for them and they need a new cd case to hold them all.
• you make a romantic play list of only dmb songs.
• you have a dmb song to match each of your moods.
• you get pissed when somebody tells you they have no idea who dave matthews band is.
• when you just can't fathom how people could not love this band, and you try to get everyone you know as hooked as you are, despite what they listen to.
• you are a bigger dmb freak than the person who introduced dmb to you.
• you don't go out with a person because he/she says the band is trash coz its such a turn off!
• when you can honestly say you feel like dave's talking to you when he says "thank you very much" or "you all smell good this evening".
  

the list are so true. infact the whole complete list is true and we are proud to associate ourselves with all the other dmb freak on this planet. and as a dmb freak we are very much sadden with the sudden departure of leroi moore... dmb founding member and saxophone player that always manage to provide the most captivating sound that makes dmb... dmb. he passed away on the 19th august 2008, aged 46. the good always die young i guess...

and sharing the words of dave matthew, who always manage to find the simplest word to express the most profound and intense feeling...

"it's always easier to leave, than to be left..." rest in peace...

a smile of sweetest flowers
wilted so and soured
black tears stain the cheeks
that once were so admired
she thinks when she was small
there on her father's knee
how he had promised her
you'll always be my baby
daddy come quick
the dreaming tree has died

the loneliness of the long distance runner

i don't really think too much about the future nowadays... let alone try to understand it. hope? well... maybe but its more of wishful thinking i guess. thru my experience thinking and planning about the future can be fucking frustrating. i don't really ask from the "dude" nowadays... not that i'm trying to be cocky, but more of give him more space to listen to other poor souls. come on... he need his space as well rite.... now i just do what i have to do in this present moment and let it take its own shape. along the way i try to learn "again" about being patient if thing doesn't turn out good. and if that doesn't help i just pick on a poor soul and vent my anger at it or him with a lot of vulgarity. so far so good...

but yesterday was a challenge. i had a phone conversation with someone about some money that i'm suppose to get. it has been more than a year now. with due respect he has done all the work and deserve his portion but what pissed me off is that i have to tell him all my sorrow (which something that i've been trying not to think about) just to make him understand why he should at least give me some, if not all. he even have the cheek to say "well... what has happened is takdir dude... but i hope u can understand that i need to pay this... i need to pay that... the project is a losing money kind of project.. blah... blah... maybe i can pay your part if (and i mean "if") we get the balance after raya... like 3 months from now..." fuck!!! i have to wait again after more than a year? fucking hell no!! the money is not even for me and i have to beg for it. finally i have to except his so called promise that he will try to give me "some" when he get the payment from the other projects. and he has to tell me that just to show how understanding he has been. yeah.. rite... fuck you!!! i guess i have to succumb to the fact that i can't really do anything about it.

after that conversation i just look up to the sky and give the "dude" a peace of my mind.

on my way came up with the answers
i scratched my head
and the answers were gone
from hand to hand
wrist to the elbow
red blood sand
could dad be god
forgive you why
you hung me out to dry

it has been a very challenging journey... it has been tormenting... and it has been painful. to say that i've not been strong is understated... how much more do i have to endure for a bit of leeway...? this human heart can only take so much... so, just cut me some fucking slack here!!! i prefer not to go down that alley again just to ask for some understanding cos it actually make me fucking sad. its a peace of my life that i rather keep deep inside my modula oblongata and not to ever access it again.

time waits for no man some say... and that is so true. the world is not going to stop just to share your tears or anybody's sorrow for that matter. it will keep on spinning and everybody just go on with their normal life. thats the hard fucking truth. so, i sat there for a while... took a deep breath... walked up... and continue my work... at the end, my only option is to drag my already tired leg and move forward...

life goes on i guess....