i don't really think too much about the future nowadays... let alone try to understand it. hope? well... maybe but its more of wishful thinking i guess. thru my experience thinking and planning about the future can be fucking frustrating. i don't really ask from the "dude" nowadays... not that i'm trying to be cocky, but more of give him more space to listen to other poor souls. come on... he need his space as well rite.... now i just do what i have to do in this present moment and let it take its own shape. along the way i try to learn "again" about being patient if thing doesn't turn out good. and if that doesn't help i just pick on a poor soul and vent my anger at it or him with a lot of vulgarity. so far so good...
but yesterday was a challenge. i had a phone conversation with someone about some money that i'm suppose to get. it has been more than a year now. with due respect he has done all the work and deserve his portion but what pissed me off is that i have to tell him all my sorrow (which something that i've been trying not to think about) just to make him understand why he should at least give me some, if not all. he even have the cheek to say "well... what has happened is takdir dude... but i hope u can understand that i need to pay this... i need to pay that... the project is a losing money kind of project.. blah... blah... maybe i can pay your part if (and i mean "if") we get the balance after raya... like 3 months from now..." fuck!!! i have to wait again after more than a year? fucking hell no!! the money is not even for me and i have to beg for it. finally i have to except his so called promise that he will try to give me "some" when he get the payment from the other projects. and he has to tell me that just to show how understanding he has been. yeah.. rite... fuck you!!! i guess i have to succumb to the fact that i can't really do anything about it.
after that conversation i just look up to the sky and give the "dude" a peace of my mind.
on my way came up with the answers
i scratched my head
and the answers were gone
from hand to hand
wrist to the elbow
red blood sand
could dad be god
forgive you why
you hung me out to dry
it has been a very challenging journey... it has been tormenting... and it has been painful. to say that i've not been strong is understated... how much more do i have to endure for a bit of leeway...? this human heart can only take so much... so, just cut me some fucking slack here!!! i prefer not to go down that alley again just to ask for some understanding cos it actually make me fucking sad. its a peace of my life that i rather keep deep inside my modula oblongata and not to ever access it again.
time waits for no man some say... and that is so true. the world is not going to stop just to share your tears or anybody's sorrow for that matter. it will keep on spinning and everybody just go on with their normal life. thats the hard fucking truth. so, i sat there for a while... took a deep breath... walked up... and continue my work... at the end, my only option is to drag my already tired leg and move forward...
life goes on i guess....
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