heart of gold

this week has been very hectic. busy to the bone. but yesterday i manage to squeeze some time to drop by my sis in law place to see my son for a while. i have to admit that i miss them so very much. when i reached there, my second is sleeping. my first, alif ran to me and i hugged him. we chat and laugh. he is such a funny dude. we just chat and chat. after a while, noticing that i was a bit sleepy, he actually clear his color pencils and toys on the sofa and told me to rest there. what a dude... so considerate. as i lay down he ask whether my shoe is new. its not of cos. then he notice there's a instant shoe shine and ask whether i want him to polish my shoe. didn't think too much of it as i was almost in la la land, i just said ok and dozed of.

about an hour after that i woke up, went to the bathroom, wash my face and just went to him. while talking to him, i realized its almost 3pm. need to go to another meeting at 4pm. as i was getting ready, told him that i have to go back to work. being the cool dude that he is, his reply was just "ok". at the front stairs before i leave, he just pointed at my shoe and just ask "ayah, is your shoe ok?". what a surpsrise... my shoes was clean and shiny. he actually polished my shoes. what a good son. i said thank you and said "come here and hug me". he smile and come to me. as i was hugging him another surprise happened. he pat my back and said "be a good man...". i was so touch by it... my son... just seven years old and yet so understanding, considerate, mature and strong. as much as i want to console him and tell him that things will be ok, to my surprise he is the one that actually console me... i kissed him, walked to the car and drove of.

in the car, i felt really proud...proud how much my son has grown. slowly... i smile and tell myself... "despite all the things that i felt i've done wrong, i must have done something right as well. hhhmmm... i'm not a totally fucked up father after all..."

that i would be good

started the day rather slow today. weekend is something that i don't really look forward nowadays. sleep is more of a necessity rather than the need to rest. slept around 4:30am this morning and woke up around 8:30am. had promised my sis that i would pick up my mom and send her to the dentist. i'm ok with that. at least i can see her and chat with her, since i didn't see her last weekend.

my mom is a typical old school minang woman; great cook, moody, say what she want to say, demanding and use to beat the hell out of me when i was a kid for my misdemeanor. but than again shes the only mom that i got and i love her. she had tried her best and i don't expect any better than what she has given. i'm cool with that. when i reached her place, she was laying on the sofa. as i walked and and just about to sit beside her, i noticed that she has been crying. with a very sad voice, she said she in pain and she has to go thru it alone. she has this nerve kind of pain on her face for several years and it is worst now since it has effected her gum and teeth. she in extreme pain most of the time. as she was crying i can see that she is in pain.

as i wipe her tears, i try not to cry. i don't want her to see that i'm sad. she need love and strength from me, but i can't deny that i feel helpless... only god know how sad and helpless i felt. i wish i have more to offer. i wish i have more energy to give her. i wish i have bigger and longer arms so that i can just wrap it around her. i wish i can take the pain away from her. but i cant. i myself is constantly seeking for some extra energy to go thru my daily life. i myself is dragging my legs thru life. i myself is seeking for a helping hand. and all these make me really sad.

after dropping her and my sis at the dentist, i can't help but thinking about her. my head and heart just filled with sadness. sad becos i can't give her more than what i can now. sad that i can't be any stronger than what i am now. sad that i can't offer more of myself to her now. sad that i can't be any bigger that what i am now. sad that i can't.....

i hope i can make her happy during this last part of her life journey. i hope she will get all the happiness she deserves. just like with my late father, i hope i can make her smile when that day finally come...

wasted sunsets

yesterday was the first time i watched this crime drama series called "in plain sight". its about this hot us marshall lady who work in the witness protection program, baby sitting all the scums who turn to federal with valuable information. blah.. blah... blah... well, you know how the american love to create heroes and dramatised everything, but then again lets not be a dick about it shall we. its really nothing to shout about, but one thing do catch my attention. towards the end she says "we are afraid of change. we always said we want change but change scares us..." or something like that. my point is, that is so true. we always have this conversation with our little voice about wanting to change, about wanting to be special, about taking the risk... cos we deserve it. but the truth is, it actually scare the shit out of us. hey... it scares the shit out of me and i'm still trying to get over it.

but a bigger question is "why?". what is it about change, that despite we want something so special, something so pure, something that can liberate us... we always find ourself not doing it? and this include me sometime. is it becos of the risk? is it becos we are actually stuck in our comfort zone? is it becos we are influenced by our surrounding without us noticing it? is it about moral? is it about wrong and right? is it about what others might say? is it about not being popular anymore? is it about not having friends anymore? is it about what our family especially our parent might think of us? and most of us hope that time will settle it for us. we hope that time or fate will make something happen so that we don't have to go thru the scary shit and opportunity will just present itself at our doorstep. to make it worst we always justify to ourself by saying "its ok... there will be another time. there's always better things await me in the future". yeah rite...

there is no "future" without "present". there is no no. 2 without no. 1. that's a fact. and if you think you gonna move by just standing still, be my guest. we can't always hope for a better chance in the future but not willing to take a chance with what is already in front us. we can't just hope and pray but not willing to do our end of the bargain. we can't just say that we have faith but not willing to have faith in faith itself.

to change the world, start with one step
however small, the first step is hardest of all
once you get your gait, you'll be walkin' tall
you said you never did, cos you might die tryin'
cos you might die tryin', cos you...

if you close your eyes cos the house is on fire
and think you couldn't move until fire dies
the things you never did, oh, cos you might die tryin'
cos you might die tryin', you'd be as good as dead
cos you might die tryin', cuz you might die tryin'

i've taken a small step forward. its a small, hard, painful step but at least i've done something. i've started to make the change. i've started to take the risk. as much as i tend to still look backward, i'm slowly learning to look forward. i'm learning to filter the noise and just take the music. i'm learning to accept that its my life and i need to live it the way i feel rite. i'm learning to accept that only me can make me happy. i'm learning to accept that to a certain extend nobody should be telling me whats important to me when they don't know me. honestly, its hard. its painful, but one thing for sure... i don't wanna die trying... i just wanna do it...

sometime the "present" is more important than the "future".

running to stand still

i've just written the first line of my new life chapter. i'm out of the comfort zone and pulled the break on doing things within my circle of concerns. as i drove away i'm not sure of what am i feeling or what to feel. there are thousands of questions and feelings inside me rite now that i don't even know which one to attend to. i'm just tired attending to all those feelings. i'm tired of trying to figure out what is wrong and what is right. in a way, now i know how does it feel to be a zombie. walking, roaming with eyes wide open but fill with emptiness. no way to go, no where to land, no direction, no soul.

but one thing i've just realised is that its not really a good timing to start my life all over again at this age. the reason being is that you can't really rely on your friends to give you a pat in the back and say things will be ok, cos most of em have their own problems. and finding a place to lay my head and tired legs is definitely a challenge as well. being not financially stable adds on the the already long list of issues i've been trying not to think about. to make things worst, next week i'm gonna start on another consulting work at the client place. focus, focus, focus. that's what i've been telling myself, but its really a tough act to follow when you are constantly hammered from all angle.

i've listed more than three decade of my tiredness. it was 3 pages full on. a dear friend put it in much nicer way by saying, its one page per decade. yeah.. i suppose so. the wall is closing in fairly quick at this moment. i'm walking on a very thin ice that separate me from total insanity. all my life i've not really rely on others for comfort even in the worst moment, but i must admit that this time i really "need" help. i'm hoping for a refuge, safe haven, a soulmate that can just fill my heart with strength. i can only do this with a help from someone from my circle of influence. unfortunately there is only one person there, but i can't "reach" her. no amount of talking, convincing, persuading, fickle fuddled words can make me reach to her and make her "feel" or even "see" that i need her "presence" to give me strength to crawl myself out of this deep, dark abyss. to give me a bearing to my journey, some light in the dark and a glimpse of hope. and i promise i will return the favor by giving a life full of passion and meaning.

i am at your feet
god i want you so badly
and i wonder this
could tomorrow be
let me drink you please
i won't spill a drop, no... i promise you

i'm walking on a very fine line between hope and hopeless
i'm slipping down with no breaks
i'm drowning

please save me... please...

S.O.S

halloween

i'm tired of being angry
i'm tired of all the anger
i'm tired of all the frustration
i'm tired of being unhappy
i'm tired of being a giver
i'm tired of being responsible
i'm tired of being broke
i'm tired of not able to buy things, even necessities
i'm tired of telling myself to be positive
i'm tired of this so called law of attraction
i'm tired of others keep telling me that i'm so negative
i'm tired of telling myself that there'll be light at the end of the tunnel
i'm tired of false glimpse of light
i'm tired of false hope
i'm tired of trying to understand god's wisdom
i'm tired of all these so called god's tests
i'm tired of staring at happiness but unable to have it
i'm tired of smoking
i'm tired of drinking
i'm tired of getting myself drunk
i'm tired of dragging my legs
i'm tired of being scared
i'm tired of being brave
i'm tired of being strong
i'm tired of having to tell myself that i'm strong
i'm tired of being weak
i'm tired of wondering
i'm tired of floating
i'm tired of searching
i'm tired of looking for a home
i'm tired of being homeless
i'm tired of being lonely
i'm tired of not able to smoke weed
i'm tired of waiting for the weed to be available
i'm tired of not able to really share my "moment"
i'm tired of the surrounding that finds it hard to understand me
i'm tired of trying to make my surrounding understands me
i'm tired of not able to "put" myself to sleep
i'm tired of not able to have deep sleep
i'm tired of waking up and not able to go back to sleep
i'm tired of asking
i'm tired of begging
i'm tired of making mistakes
i'm tired of taking risks
i'm tired of being abnormal
i'm tired of being eccentric
i'm tired of believing that there's someone out there for me
i'm tired of believing that there's someone out there that can understand me
i'm tired of believing that there's someone out the that will appreciate me
i'm tired of crying alone
i'm tired of crying in the dark
i'm tired of crying in the rain
i'm tired of the sudden burst of extreme sadness
i'm tired of all the pain
i'm tired of all these sadness
i'm tired of having to tell myself that life is not that bad
i'm tired of having to tell myself that life is good
i'm tired of looking for answers
i'm tired of waiting for answers
i'm tired of all the answers
i'm tired of all the meaningless answers
i'm tired of asking questions
i'm tired of waiting for things to happen
i'm tired of believing in fate or takdir
i'm tired of explaining myself
i'm tired of being stupid
i'm tired of being smart
i'm tired of looking for love
i'm tired of searching for love
i'm tired of asking for love
i'm tired of begging for love
i'm tired of hoping for love
i'm tired of moral cops
i'm tired of all the so called morally correct decision
i'm tired of trying to convince others that i'm not that bad
i'm tired of trying to convince others that i'm worth it
i'm tired of trying to convince others that i'm worth the efforts
i'm tired of trying to convince others that i'm worth the risks
i'm tired of giving my shoulders for others to cry on
i'm tired of waiting for a shoulder to cry on
i'm tired of hoping for a shoulder to cry on
i'm tired of pretending that things are ok
i'm tired of pretending that things will be ok
i'm tired of others who pretend that they understand me
i'm tired of others who keep telling me that they can feel me
i'm tired of all the fear
i'm tired of asking for a bit of laughter
i'm tired of begging for a bit of laughter
i'm tired of hoping for a bit of laughter
i'm tired of fucking for fucking sake
i'm tired of the fickle, fuddled words
i'm tired of all the confusion
i'm tired of waiting for someone to hold
i'm tired of waiting for someone that will hold me
i'm tired of searching for someone to hold
i'm tired of searching for someone that will hold me
i'm tired of waiting for someone to hold and tell me things will be ok
i'm tired of searching for someone to hold and tell me life will be good
i'm tired of always having to look inside
i'm tired of having to always accept that it is my fault
i'm tired of saying sorry
i'm tired of apologizing
i'm tired of feeling guilty
i'm tired of self sacrifice
i'm tired of doing favors
i'm tired of asking for favors
i'm tired of pondering my future
i'm tired of hoping that someone will be able to open their mind to me
i'm tired of the barren look in my eyes
i'm tired of the endless emptiness
i'm tired of feeling hollow
i'm tired of trying to reach out
i'm tired of accepting but not accepted
i'm tired of not able to be me
i'm tired of others who need to "think" whether they can accept me
i'm tired of understanding others rational
i'm tired of justification
i'm tired of explanation
i'm tired of all the senseless talking
i'm tired of the cocky attitude
i'm tired of the self centered way of thinking
i'm tired of the "holier than thou" mind set
i'm tired of the false truth
i'm tired of the so called "good" deed
i'm tired of trying to figure out what is wrong and what is right
i'm tired of always having to make a come back
i'm tired of hiding
i'm tired of tired of running
i'm tired of waiting to be saved
i'm tired of trying to save myself
i'm tired of trying
i'm tired of filling myself with false hope
i'm tired of dreaming
i'm tired of having dreams
i'm tired of having nightmares
i'm tired of staring at emptiness
i'm tired of telling myself that i need to focus
i'm tired of pushing myself
i'm tired of being insane
i'm tired of being sane
i'm tired of just going with the flow
i'm tired of trying to take charge of my life
i'm tired of believing that i'm in charge of my life
i'm tired of feeling that i'm not in charge of my life
i'm tired of asking for some slack
i'm tired of looking for some space
i'm tired of hoping
i'm tired of hoping for hope
i'm tired of my tired eyes
i'm tired of my tired mind
i'm tired of being tired

i'm just fucking tired!!!

and i don't want the world to see me
cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am

and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movie
yeah.. you bleed just to know you're alive


maybe someday you will know who i am...

the dreaming tree

if music is an art and should be ideal and perfect, then dave matthews band or dmb is the epitome of that. the voice, the lyrics, the musicians, the improvisation, the arrangements... to the note perfection. how many singer or band sounds better live than in the studio? how many singer dare to do a "two acoustic guitars" only kind of unplugged concert and still sound amazingly complete? well... thats dave matthew.

we listen to dmb everyday, everytime and never get bored with it. to say that we are dmb fan is understated cos we consider ourselves a dmb freak... and to confirm that believe is something that we found on the net. below are excerpt from a long list:

• you refer to anybody in the band on a first name basis, people give you weird looks, then you explain.
• your friends advise you to play no dave matthews band when they come around.
• when you are drunk or stoned you explain the meaning behind most or every dmb song.
• when you hear elevator music that is transformed into dmb songs (in your mind) and you sing along and tell other people on board "this is my favorite band".
• you look up for lyrics to all the songs or listen to all the songs over and over to make sure you know all the words to every single song.
• you quote dmb lyrics in regular conversation even in text messages and make up 'dave lyrics game'.
• your friend asks you to burn your dmb cds for them and they need a new cd case to hold them all.
• you make a romantic play list of only dmb songs.
• you have a dmb song to match each of your moods.
• you get pissed when somebody tells you they have no idea who dave matthews band is.
• when you just can't fathom how people could not love this band, and you try to get everyone you know as hooked as you are, despite what they listen to.
• you are a bigger dmb freak than the person who introduced dmb to you.
• you don't go out with a person because he/she says the band is trash coz its such a turn off!
• when you can honestly say you feel like dave's talking to you when he says "thank you very much" or "you all smell good this evening".
  

the list are so true. infact the whole complete list is true and we are proud to associate ourselves with all the other dmb freak on this planet. and as a dmb freak we are very much sadden with the sudden departure of leroi moore... dmb founding member and saxophone player that always manage to provide the most captivating sound that makes dmb... dmb. he passed away on the 19th august 2008, aged 46. the good always die young i guess...

and sharing the words of dave matthew, who always manage to find the simplest word to express the most profound and intense feeling...

"it's always easier to leave, than to be left..." rest in peace...

a smile of sweetest flowers
wilted so and soured
black tears stain the cheeks
that once were so admired
she thinks when she was small
there on her father's knee
how he had promised her
you'll always be my baby
daddy come quick
the dreaming tree has died

the loneliness of the long distance runner

i don't really think too much about the future nowadays... let alone try to understand it. hope? well... maybe but its more of wishful thinking i guess. thru my experience thinking and planning about the future can be fucking frustrating. i don't really ask from the "dude" nowadays... not that i'm trying to be cocky, but more of give him more space to listen to other poor souls. come on... he need his space as well rite.... now i just do what i have to do in this present moment and let it take its own shape. along the way i try to learn "again" about being patient if thing doesn't turn out good. and if that doesn't help i just pick on a poor soul and vent my anger at it or him with a lot of vulgarity. so far so good...

but yesterday was a challenge. i had a phone conversation with someone about some money that i'm suppose to get. it has been more than a year now. with due respect he has done all the work and deserve his portion but what pissed me off is that i have to tell him all my sorrow (which something that i've been trying not to think about) just to make him understand why he should at least give me some, if not all. he even have the cheek to say "well... what has happened is takdir dude... but i hope u can understand that i need to pay this... i need to pay that... the project is a losing money kind of project.. blah... blah... maybe i can pay your part if (and i mean "if") we get the balance after raya... like 3 months from now..." fuck!!! i have to wait again after more than a year? fucking hell no!! the money is not even for me and i have to beg for it. finally i have to except his so called promise that he will try to give me "some" when he get the payment from the other projects. and he has to tell me that just to show how understanding he has been. yeah.. rite... fuck you!!! i guess i have to succumb to the fact that i can't really do anything about it.

after that conversation i just look up to the sky and give the "dude" a peace of my mind.

on my way came up with the answers
i scratched my head
and the answers were gone
from hand to hand
wrist to the elbow
red blood sand
could dad be god
forgive you why
you hung me out to dry

it has been a very challenging journey... it has been tormenting... and it has been painful. to say that i've not been strong is understated... how much more do i have to endure for a bit of leeway...? this human heart can only take so much... so, just cut me some fucking slack here!!! i prefer not to go down that alley again just to ask for some understanding cos it actually make me fucking sad. its a peace of my life that i rather keep deep inside my modula oblongata and not to ever access it again.

time waits for no man some say... and that is so true. the world is not going to stop just to share your tears or anybody's sorrow for that matter. it will keep on spinning and everybody just go on with their normal life. thats the hard fucking truth. so, i sat there for a while... took a deep breath... walked up... and continue my work... at the end, my only option is to drag my already tired leg and move forward...

life goes on i guess....

this use to be my playground

beside an undisturbed moment in the loo and occasional nose picking, food always give us pleasure... and we're not talking about steak, pasta or some so called civilised food... but simple food like karipap sardin and kuih bangkit. yeah... im sure most of you out there agree with this. its the kind of food that take you to your childhood where everything is just fine... nothing to worry... life is just one big playground.

karipap sardin is definitely on top of the list when talking about soul food. i guess the combination of karipap (which is already an all time favourite) and sardin is just mind blowing. just imagine a home cooked karipap sardin with soft puff pastry and full of sambal sardin inside.. the beauty of a home made karipap sardin is that... it is full of sardin... not like the one you buy from the bazaar which is full of onion with tiny peaces of sardin... what a rip off... we had that for buka puase last monday. it really hit the spot. between the two of us.. we managed to wallop 15 peaces of karipap sardin... and we finish it in the shortest time you can imagine; while driving from bangsar to the curve... that is like what, less than half an hour. we are like de karipap sardin piranhas...

then there this thing called kuih bangkit. white in color, kind of hard on the outside but once u've bite it... it melts in your mouth... well at least that's how it suppose to be. we've been looking for a good kuih bangkit ever since... so far the one that we've got is kind of frustrating... back in the days, a fucking good kuih bangkit is abundence. can even get it in the kedai mamak beside the jeruk kelubi or jeruk betik or jeruk mangga... nowadays its a different case all together... we accidentally found a good one while we are at the curve. i guess becos its nearly raya. when we saw the makcik there, we know its gonna be good... and it does. after a bite it melts in your mouth with an excellent after taste... smoothly taking you to back to your childhood days when life is much more simpler than it is now... every peace seems to have a memory of its own... it was excellent...

and since picture says a thousand words... here it is....


in life whether we realise it or not, its the simplest thing that always bring us pleasure and never fails to put a smile on our face.... as much as we thought life experience has influence or changed us... we always look for the things that can take us back home, where we really feel happy and safe... and beside a good joint... soul food like these will always do the trick.... thank god for that...

hooker with a penis

it has been a while that we want to put this down but could find the time... well if you wanna be a dick about it, yeah... its not really the time but just fuckin lazy.. or maybe the subject that we wanna put down just too fuckin too much... in fact really too much to put in cos they are all over... and what we are talking about here? well... its the poser... man!!!! they are all over... and you find abundance of em especially in damansara's fraternity... you even call it the poser's save haven. some of the poser's categories (definitely not exhaustive) are as below:

1- so called artistic
you can easily recognize em. they normally spot on a large or big hair, afro, metal thingy poke at unnecessary places, with funny kind of fashion just to try and make a point and they are in the industry or maybe an artistic person. but the fuckin thing is that they probably listen to some stupid so called underground music and probably find band like green day, blink 182, beyonce, etc is amazing; and watch movies like fast & furious, school of music and adores dumb blond actors or actresses. what a loser....

2- so called drunk & stone gang
this kind always hang out at bars in a group at places just wanna be seen. ordered alcoholic drink like there is no tomorrow, wanting to get drunk to prove a point and just to show off to the world how alcoholic they are; smoke a few joints with friend using some stupid rizla papers and feeling like rock stars. all these just because the've somewhat seen in on tv or movie. big time losers...

3- so called technology or i.t savvy
usually with the latest gadgets, expensive notebook which is paid by their rich parents, hang out in in some coffee joint that provide free wifi... the word here is "free"... with earrings on both ears to complete the so called hacker's look, but the truth is that they are there just to do instant messaging with their friends. i.t is a technology dumb arse... not a fashion statement... use it, not abuse it..

well... this is just a few of em. trying to pose an image rather than actually living it... so our final message to all you posers...

proudest monkey

if friendship is ever like a perfect quaerter pounder, then i would defined a quarter pounder; like a group of 4 idiotic friends sharing a pound of meat. eat it with a combination attitude of juicy joy beef, tangy sour pickles & mustard, juz nice cheesy that make them not too sticky. less onion for me (smell will do) coz i know my idiotic friends can help me deal with it!

i am proud to say that you are one of them e.b (one in a million). thank you for inviting me to be part of your blog. more to come for us & from us.. c.t

hey, my friend
it seems your eyes are troubled
care to share your time with me
would you say you're feeling low and so
a good idea would be to get it off of your mind

see, you and me
have a better time than most can dream
have it better than the best
and so can pull on through
whatever tears at us
whatever holds us down
and if nothing can be done
we'll make the best of what's around

a day in the life

wow... what a month it has been. i was caught off guard and end up not realizing that it is already july. honestly this is bad... really bad. yeah... yeah... i know time moves rather fast nowadays but i normally do realize it. well... its either becos of work... or becos of too much weed... lets not blame it on the latter shall we... anyway, i still have few episodes that is blog material. well... to me at least...

episode 1 - let the bubble bust
as a human we are actually full of our self. we rather blame it on someone else than accepting our own fault; myself included. i've live in my own bubble for so long without realizing it. not willing to accept my own short coming and my own failure. my head is as big as a pumpkin, until a friend came along and bust my bubble. it was hard, it was terrible and honestly i couldn't accept it. struggled i did. fight it i did. but finally i ran out energy and just accept it. to my surprise it is quite liberating. having my bubble bust is a good thing after all. now i have more space and a much wider horizon to look forward to. i have been taking this journey with a more open heart and it has been great. i guess that is what friend is all about. they will bust your bubble cos they are honest; even though it hurts. and i rather have a genuine friend than a "so called" friend...

episode 2 - sally is legal
aaahhh.... sally is finally legal be to on the road. i've been driving her and taking all the risk (yeah... with all the weed and alco drive during the wee hour) for months, but luckily nothing happen. i love sally and i think she deserve better treatment than this. but than again sometime certain situation is unavoidable i guess. when i put it on the screen i had this song in my head "i got a road tax.. i got a road tax... you didn't catch me....". now sally and me is a proud legal couple on the road...

episode 3 - the green card
i finally did my "mykad". honestly i would have rather keep the previous ic as a reminder how idiotic malaysian government can be. i mean how could anybody in their sane mind would use laminating to produce national identity card. and they probably pay zillion for it as well. when i sms my friend and told her about it, her response was "hey.. you shud celebrate. that is like getting the green card". well i must say she's got a point there. now i can do my passport and travel. yeeehhaaaa...

alrite... that's all for now. till then.. adios muchahos..

take five

life has been anything but dull. it has been one hell of a ride so far. its seems that keeping one self insane in this so called sane world is actually the only way to survive nowadays. how more cliché can it be. so let me make it short this time around and say something that is long overdue...

dust in the wind

i've have been rather occupied for the last few weeks with quite a bit of spacing out and momentary lapse of reasons somewhere in between. while this fragile mind of mine have been busy handing off unwanted elements that have been fucking up my brain lately, i do managed to find some epiphanies to all that has happened since last year.

there has been too many battle scars... too many pain... too many bitterness... and to say it has all been worth while, i would be a fucking hypocrite cos i'm still waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel... i'm still waiting for the sweetness after all the bitterness... i'm still waiting for some satisfaction after all the patience and persistence... just like war, happiness is a perceived victory with a very hefty price tag.

love remains elusive. its an ideal that i've always look for, but never did realize it. hoping for, but never really understand why do i even want it. is it wrong to hope something in return after i've given so much, or have i? is love=sex? or sex=love? compromise i've done, in the name of love and sacrifice.... so it was... regret i may... but i do realize that love actually is real... but realizing it, is a totally different animal all together.

"we are what we believes" some say and i agree to that. my believe is my integrity. nobody can take that away from me. i believe in honest opinion, even though it hurts. sometime truth hurts, but it is the truth and friendship should always be built based on this. if it is not, then it is just merely acquaintances. i believe in my own life values no matter how stupid and trivial it may sound to others. these are my integrity. tolerate i may, but compromise i will not.

our integrity sells for so little
but it is all we really have
it is the very last inch of us
but within that inch, we are free

i was wrong to believe that life is about reaching a destiny, settling down and being in a comfort zone. but then again, not to be a dick about it, i have to agree that it does work for some people... but not for me... definitely not for me. my life is all about the journey, with no exact destination. x does not mark the spot. apperently this is god's plan for me. but then again, i do seek challenge... i love being on the edge... and come to think of it, that sounds like a plan. accept it i have to, but bow down and loose i don't intend to. i guess he must be laughing his ass off looking at me and my scheme of things.

right, wrong, weak, strong
ashes to ashes all fall down
look around about this round about
this merry-go-round and around
well if at all god's gaze upon us falls
it's with a mischievous grin, look at him

life come with certain expectations and responsibilities, thus require us to make certain compromise for the sake of others. wisdom do tell us of the things we're suppose to do... but never did tell us what to do... go figure.

two fools for a minute

some evenings i would just do this favor for my dude and sent him home. its not really out of the way, but its not really on the way either... but then again what the heck, hes my dude. the trip normally require us to go thru some idiotic traffic jam and get stuck. after a full day at work and getting our ass chewed by the boss and clients we definitely don't need this shit. but i guess as human we always have our way of turning bad thing into something cool. so what is our solution? weed... a fucking bob marley standard weed...

we would just sit in the car, driving slowly, minding our business and smoke the dragon. and as always, it hit the spot. in fact its better than alco man. seriously.... hhhmmm... give me a sec and let me think about that again.... yeah.. seriously better than alco. then the dude would say "dude, fuck my brain...". i would obliged, put on dmb songs and let the music fuck our brains till kingdom come. it's amazing. at that moment we are kings. we are lord of the jungle. we are so toe-up!!! we have nothing to worry. life just worth living. everything just go on a slow-mo kind of mode. the music would just carry us away from all the misery and pain. . our souls just soar mightily and nothing else matter.

i see it comin'
yeah, and this one is ours
we got heaven right here on earth
ain't nothin' like it
when you're reachin' for stars
and you grab one
for what it is worth

cause these are good times
damn good times
talkin' about good times
damn good times

at that moment we are just comfortably numb and we ain't gonna have it any other way...

ramble on

don't you just hate it when you have the same song keep lingering in your head for days? i've been having this one particular song keep humming in my head the last few days. so much so that i wish i could just bang my head (oh fuck... thats another song... now that song gonna be in my head), crack it open and take it out. its driving be fucking nut...

i'm one card short of a full deck
i'm not quite the shilling
one wave short of a shipwreck
i'm not my usual top billing
i'm coming down with a fever
i'm really out to sea
this kettle is boiling over
i think i'm a banana tree

last saturday, i even try to watch porn just to get it out. crap... it failed. then i tried smoking it out. it failed again. i guess this what you'll turned into if you get busted too much in your lifetime. brain cells burned and dead. it suppose to make my brain slower with short memory lapse but somehow or rather it make certain part of my brain stickier... hhhmm... that actually make sense...

i'm definitely a banana tree now...

silent lucidity

last night while lying on the sofa after getting myself busted, all these bad dreams start spinning in my head. my mind trick me to feel the pain of someone close to me leaving the game of life. so here it is, another chance. wide awake to face the day... the dream is over, or has it just begun?

there's this place that i like to hide, a doorway that i can run through in the night. been there but only didn't realize that i was scared. it's a place where i will learn to face my fears, retrace the years and ride the whim of my mind. commanding in another world i hear and see the magical new dimension. put it into a permanent form, persist in my efforts, maybe i can achieve dream control. be able to smile again... in silent lucidity.

if you open your mind to me and won't rely on open eyes to see, all these walls that i've built within is tumbling down whilst a new world begin. living twice at once i've learned that i can be safe from pain in the dream domain. a soul set free to fly. a round trip journey in my head, master of illusion, i realized my dream's alive, i can be guided but...

only time can tell...

time

ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
you fritter and waste the hours in an off-hand way
kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
waiting for someone or something to show you the way

tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
you are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
and then the one day you find ten years have got behind you
no one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

and you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
racing around to come up behind you again
sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older
shorter of breath and one day closer to death

i guess i can either be busy living or busy dying
since i'm definitely not ready to meet "the maker" yet, i have no other choice but to be busy living...

so fuck it... lets roll the joint and rock on.....

don't eat the yellow snow

when i look back i realise my music appreciation journey has been quite interesting that it warrant an entry into this blog of mine. well, its my blog so i decide!!

as i move on to my puberty life during secondary school i was introduced to scorpion, and i tell you that was it. at that moment nothing can beat scorpion. they are everything. the voice, the guitar riff. its like "i'm there dude...". slowly but surely i got deeper into rock, heavy metal, etc and starting to like def leppard (pyromania was and will be their best album ever), iron maiden, metallica... stuffs like that. to me rock and heavy metal is my life. i even have one of those pvc pants and low cut slim fit jeans to go with it and mind you wearing one of those tight pvc pants in malaysian weather is definitely a challange by itself. but hey... you got to do what you got to do to be a true rocker...

then i reached to the point-of-no-return in my musical journey. i started to listen to frank zappa. for a man who recruited stevie vai and called him "the italian virtuoso", being the father of indie label, a lagend and having 50 odd albums to his credit; he must be fucking good right. jazz from hell they call his music. he even do 100 pieces live show. with songs title like "my guitar gonna kill your mama", "frog song", "muffin man", "dancing fools", "stink-foot", "plastic people", etc. top that!!! soon i was introduced to primus with album titled "sailing the sea of cheese", "anti pop", etc. as quirky but heavier. loving it as well... i guess this is one of those moment you can say "fate definitely choose me". nevertheless it was fantastico de mayo!!!!

this morning... as i was driving to the office as usual and listening to frank zappa cd another one of those self-realisation kicks in. i am quirky. i am weird. i am eccentric. just look at the music i listen to. wow.... no wonder i find it hard to fit in.

to a certain extend being different makes me feel good but there are times i feel shitty as well. hey... how many people can you find that is able to talk passionately about frank zappa and primus music right?

i guess this is me and i have to accept it... i won't have it any other way. the world have to fit to me now... not the other way around... in a true frank zappa's words...

i've got trouble on my own, i said...
an' you can't help me out...
so take your meditations an' your preparations...
an' ram it up yer snout...

comfortably numb

hello?
is there anybody in there?
just nod if you can hear me
is there anyone at home?

there is no pain you are receding
a distant ship's smoke on the horizon
you are only coming through in waves
your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
when I was a child I had a fever my hands felt just like two balloons
now I've got that feeling once again
i can't explain, you would not understand
this is not how I am

it's saturday... i came to the office to finish up some works... or is it?
the truth is i'm feeling fuckup. i just need something to put in in the numb zone
i've been trying to be strong and be ok, but i fail miserably

if there ever such thing as hope, faith and believe in god even as fragile that i'm feeling at the moment, thats the only thing i can hang on to right now
it's painful, it hurts to my spine but what more can i do

i'm in my darkest moment, deepest end of the abyss and i'm all alone

god... come near me... hear my prayer... help me...
return those moments back to me...

come back to me

this is my second entry of the day. i just have to write something or i'll have a major mental break down soon. i feel so alone... so empty... my heart is crying for the love of my life that walked away from me. while i'm preparing for the worst time of my life i can't help it but feel really really sad and frustrated. i can't do this alone. i have no energy. i have no soul anymore. its really difficult and i mean fucking difficult to move on without my soulmate. i've asked, i've begged and i've been on my knee asking her to give me another chance... but the answer have been "no... i don't want... i don't want to have anything to do with you anymore"... and it's killing me...

i honestly regret for what i've done wrong... and if she ever reads this, my hope is that she will dig deep into her heart and still find all the happiness when we're together and give me another chance. i'm doin everything to be with her but so far it seems like its not enough... it really breaks my heart... and i'm helpless...

my dear "grace"
please forgive me..
please give me another chance to come back to you and do it right...

my dear "grace"
please remember all the things that we've been through together.. the good and the bad and we always find the courage to still be together...

my dear "grace"
i've given everything of me to you and kept nothing for myself.. and thats an honest truth...
you are everything to me and i am so fucking hopeless without you...

my dear "grace"
i'm broken, burned and bruised... please come back and pick me up again...

my dear "grace".... i love you....
my dear "grace".... please give me another chance... please....

home sweet home

i'm not really sure what to write actually... in fact i'm not really sure what to feel or how to behave the past few days or so. there's too much sadness, guilt, regret and emptiness in me. and to make things really shitty, there also too much work to be done. crap!!!!

its been really tough trying to juggle my brain from not thinking all those issues in my head and focus on my works. really tough. as i was gulping my ever satisfying warm stout yesterday, a friend of mine keep telling me that i'm not emotionally stable and has always been. hhhmm... maybe i am, but then again what makes me "emotionally unstable" at the first place anyway? crap la... i'm asking question again... fuck you brain... damn you...

well.. to put it in a more politically correct manner i guess i'm just free spirited and eccentric (not weird though) with a huge manic depressive swing somewhere in the middle. i move from one extreme to one extreme like how i smoke nowadays and that mean fucking frequent. dragging my leg through the days its like business as usual nowadays. definitely not a pretty sight. but i must admit alcohol, smoke and weed help though... at the moment...

lately, in between those times that i spaced out (more often nowadays...) i've realised that i'm a free spirited person and flying like a bird cos i'm always looking for a place call home... looking for a sense of belonging...

i've actually found my home and where i belong. i actually found someone that can actually understand me without me having to explain or justify myself. it was great... it was heavenly... but being an asshole that i am, i somehow managed to loose it. its really painful. it really is...

as the days come and go the only thing i hang on to now is hope. hope that miracle might just...

bring it back... bring it back... don't take it away from me
cos you don't know what it mean to me....

empty rooms

loneliness is your only friend
a broken heart that just won't mend
is the price you pay

it's hard to take when love grows old
the days are long and the nights turn cold
when it fades away


you hope that she will change her mind
but the days drift on and on
you'll never know the reason why she's gone

you see her face in every crowd
you hear her voice, but you're still proud
so you turn away

you tell yourself that you'll be strong
but your heart tells you
this time you're wrong

you hope that she will change her mind
but the days drift on and on
you'll never know the reason why she's gone

empty rooms
where you'll learn to live without love
in an empty rooms, loneliness is your only friend

i guess for what i've done and for all the things i've taken for granted...
i deserve all these...
i'm full of regrets... i regret for all the things that i've done wrong...
if i can turn back the clock i would do it all over again, but better...
if there is ever a chance i'll take it and hang on to it forever...

but then again... will there ever be another chance?

coming back to life

my mind have been lingering aimlessly and hopelessly the last couple of weeks.. there's so many conflicts, in fact too many conflicts in my head. burning questions with no answer. i was hoping that maybe god would give me a hint or something about what i should do.. i was wrong.. god definitely has abandoned me..

so.. continuing with my life i pick up my bag and went to the gym yesterday.. as usual i went to the rpm class. really pushed myself and almost kill myself along the way but i felt good after that. in the shower, my mind start it usual thing which is thinking at the odd most time. the water run through my body and it felt amazing.. soon after that i realize that at the end of the day we are alone in whatever we are facing. you can talk about it with your "bestest" friend or even family but the only thing they gonna say is "be patient" or "sabar la ye" and they will continue with their life. self realization definitely kicked in. i need to move on. i need to just bite the bullet and pick up the pieces one by one, one day at a time and see where it takes me.

wow.. the "dude" definitely work in mysterious way...

so today.. i feel better and i hope it stays on. i have too much to do. i can't afford to space out anymore or my boss will kick my ass. life is too short to cry, but long enough to try. hhhmmm just remembered that from one of helloween song. that is so very true.

sometime in life we choose our own fate.. but sometime fate choose us....

tears in heaven

would you know my name...
if i saw you in heaven...
would it be the same...
if i saw you in heaven...

bismillah hirahman nirahim
in the name of allah, most gracious, most merciful

its exactly a year today since i lost her...
its been a year that i'm not able to hold her...
its been a year that i'm not able to look at those round, beautiful innocent eyes...
its been a year that i'm not able to smell her...















god... if you are the most gracious, the most merciful... why did you take her away from me?
god... why did you make her go through all the pain?
god... why did you impose to me such test?
god... why me?
god... where are your most gracious and most merciful quality?

god... please stop all these tests of yours for a while...
god... please cut me some slack here...
god... please help me...

i miss her... i miss her dearly....

grace is gone

as i woke up this morning i felt something different. there's a feeling of emptiness inside me. i don't really have that "thing" that i look forward to everyday anymore. i just realised that my "grace" has gone.

as i was driving to the office after completing my usual chore i can't stop thinking about "grace". i look forward to talking to her every morning and she always make my day. if talking on the phone is not enough, we had breakfast together and again we talk; and we talk nonsense most of the time. we enjoy every moment of it.

but that moment has gone. "grace" is gone.

i keep repeating a stevie vai song and cried. the pain is unbearable. even without lyrics the song just says it all. sadness, anger, frustration, happy, love, hate, confuse, believe, conflict, faith, madness... everything. to make it more painful, me and "grace" love the song. we use to get high and listen to it again and again and never get bored. we watch it on the dvd for god knows how many times. we just get it. we just understand the feeling and meaning behind it.

but that moment has gone. "grace" is gone.

then i received a sms saying "hi". it's from "grace". i can't help it but feel fucking happy. i called her and sudden feeling of sadness rushed in. tears start to come out as we speak. i miss her so very much. i hang on to the fragile feeling and tell myself to enjoy the moment. i close my eyes and imagine that "grace" is beside me. but soon after that... reality kicks in...

"grace" is gone....

the glass prison

my conversation with missy x

me: if you ever wanna be with someone you should always choose someone that can be your soulmate
missy x: ok.. that sound simple enough but how do you know that this someone is your soulmate or has achieved the "soulmate" brand approval?

my 10 gallon head answer

when it comes to finding partner we always tend to be too focus on the so called 'big' thing i.e. can he/she be responsible?, can he/she takes care of me and maybe the kids? can he/she guide me? we focus too much one those things that it is very usual for us to forget or miss look the small things. we didn't notice that it is the small things that makes all us to be able to do the "big" things without even being ask. it is the small things that the relation last because there are more "honesty" in it. everyone have its own little things or even ritual that is value to them i.e. listening music deeply after a good joint, really watch a movie from the "angle" that both of you can appreciate and discuss about it later.. this are the values that need to be shared and these are the values that make two person "soulmate". he/she is your soulmate when they can share and appreciate those small things or values with you.

unfortunately; the reality to me..

i found my soulmate too much later then it should have been. i have a current "responsibility" and fulfilling it but i'm really into her as well. it makes me a better person. it even make me closer to god. it pushes me to achieve my dream and along the way has a good effect on the current "responsibility". but god just wont let me be with her. i'm frustrated, angry, confuse and sad. i don't understand it.

god.. if it makes me a better human and a better servant why can't you grant me this wish? is it too much to ask? there are times i just don't understand god wisdom.... i'm in a glass prison. i can see that happiness is out there but i can't have it.. fuck!!!!

for the love of god...

i've always drifted away from the so called "straight" line of life where all good moral human said i should be. to say that i manage quite ok with that is really an understatement, cos i suck big time at it.. then again i justified to myself by saying.. well.. at least im still aware about god and understand what is required of me... it actually work most of the time, but as time, age & conscious get the better of me i'm beginning to feel uneasy... but then again.. what am i looking for in life? what would make me realise there are bigger things to focus and can keep you on the "straight" line? hhhhmmm......

if life is ever like a football game, i'm definately at the half time period now. trashed badly in the first half, cuts and bruises all over.. tired.. aimless... to win this game i better be prepared for the second half. i better know what i want and how to get it. i need to focus. i need a reason to do it and i really need to huge reason to be able to push me through. i need a "godly" goal to reach and and i need a "godly" reason to get me there... wow... is there ever be such thing?

what is the different between justification and selfishness? does having a good justification and big as "godly" thing mean your a still being selfish? but then again.. where do you draw the line?

god... i've found my reason.. i've found my goal... i've found my love... i've found someone to be with and push this through... i've found the path to be close to you... but if its gonna hurt a few innocent souls shoud i just go with it? is it ok to see suffering just to achieve the "godly" goal? am i being selfish or i'm suppose to say fuck it.. im doin it..?

my god... my father.. for all the sins i've done.. for all the suffering i've caused... please look deep inside my heart and find some goodness in me and accept me back in your arms... help me please..

what breaks a heart.... encore

1. when true and honest love can't be together...
2. when true and honest love is not allowed to be together...
3. when all hope are lost...
   
4. when you can't hold someone you love dearly close to you anymore...
5. when you can't look at those innocent eyes anymore...
6. when you can't smell love anymore...
7. when you are at the front door and you see your love just pass by by with someone else...
   
8. when god abandoned you...
9. when what you believe and have faith in turn their back on you..

its 2:32pm, 16th may 08. i'm a lost soul... devastated, frustrated, and feel so fucked....

good bye my lover, goodbye my friend
you have been the one, you have been the one for me...
im so hollow baby.. i'm so hollow...

what breaks a heart

i've always wanted to write a blog but never really get down and actually do it. actually managed to force myself to register but end up forgetting the id and password. what a dumbass...

but finally today i've got a reason to register again and write. 16th may 08. what a day..

today.. my heart crash and broke in pieces... today i lost my soul... having being on the deepest end since last year... i never thought things can never get any fuck up than it already is.. never thought that i can fall in any deeper.. but i guess i can...

after all the things i went thru all these years, i thought i know what god is.. what life is.. what love is... but suddenly today i feel like an infant.. lost... confuse... anger... sadness... stupid.. alone... hollow... dumbshit... dumbass....

god... please don't abandon me.... please.....