wasted sunsets

yesterday was the first time i watched this crime drama series called "in plain sight". its about this hot us marshall lady who work in the witness protection program, baby sitting all the scums who turn to federal with valuable information. blah.. blah... blah... well, you know how the american love to create heroes and dramatised everything, but then again lets not be a dick about it shall we. its really nothing to shout about, but one thing do catch my attention. towards the end she says "we are afraid of change. we always said we want change but change scares us..." or something like that. my point is, that is so true. we always have this conversation with our little voice about wanting to change, about wanting to be special, about taking the risk... cos we deserve it. but the truth is, it actually scare the shit out of us. hey... it scares the shit out of me and i'm still trying to get over it.

but a bigger question is "why?". what is it about change, that despite we want something so special, something so pure, something that can liberate us... we always find ourself not doing it? and this include me sometime. is it becos of the risk? is it becos we are actually stuck in our comfort zone? is it becos we are influenced by our surrounding without us noticing it? is it about moral? is it about wrong and right? is it about what others might say? is it about not being popular anymore? is it about not having friends anymore? is it about what our family especially our parent might think of us? and most of us hope that time will settle it for us. we hope that time or fate will make something happen so that we don't have to go thru the scary shit and opportunity will just present itself at our doorstep. to make it worst we always justify to ourself by saying "its ok... there will be another time. there's always better things await me in the future". yeah rite...

there is no "future" without "present". there is no no. 2 without no. 1. that's a fact. and if you think you gonna move by just standing still, be my guest. we can't always hope for a better chance in the future but not willing to take a chance with what is already in front us. we can't just hope and pray but not willing to do our end of the bargain. we can't just say that we have faith but not willing to have faith in faith itself.

to change the world, start with one step
however small, the first step is hardest of all
once you get your gait, you'll be walkin' tall
you said you never did, cos you might die tryin'
cos you might die tryin', cos you...

if you close your eyes cos the house is on fire
and think you couldn't move until fire dies
the things you never did, oh, cos you might die tryin'
cos you might die tryin', you'd be as good as dead
cos you might die tryin', cuz you might die tryin'

i've taken a small step forward. its a small, hard, painful step but at least i've done something. i've started to make the change. i've started to take the risk. as much as i tend to still look backward, i'm slowly learning to look forward. i'm learning to filter the noise and just take the music. i'm learning to accept that its my life and i need to live it the way i feel rite. i'm learning to accept that only me can make me happy. i'm learning to accept that to a certain extend nobody should be telling me whats important to me when they don't know me. honestly, its hard. its painful, but one thing for sure... i don't wanna die trying... i just wanna do it...

sometime the "present" is more important than the "future".