running to stand still

i've just written the first line of my new life chapter. i'm out of the comfort zone and pulled the break on doing things within my circle of concerns. as i drove away i'm not sure of what am i feeling or what to feel. there are thousands of questions and feelings inside me rite now that i don't even know which one to attend to. i'm just tired attending to all those feelings. i'm tired of trying to figure out what is wrong and what is right. in a way, now i know how does it feel to be a zombie. walking, roaming with eyes wide open but fill with emptiness. no way to go, no where to land, no direction, no soul.

but one thing i've just realised is that its not really a good timing to start my life all over again at this age. the reason being is that you can't really rely on your friends to give you a pat in the back and say things will be ok, cos most of em have their own problems. and finding a place to lay my head and tired legs is definitely a challenge as well. being not financially stable adds on the the already long list of issues i've been trying not to think about. to make things worst, next week i'm gonna start on another consulting work at the client place. focus, focus, focus. that's what i've been telling myself, but its really a tough act to follow when you are constantly hammered from all angle.

i've listed more than three decade of my tiredness. it was 3 pages full on. a dear friend put it in much nicer way by saying, its one page per decade. yeah.. i suppose so. the wall is closing in fairly quick at this moment. i'm walking on a very thin ice that separate me from total insanity. all my life i've not really rely on others for comfort even in the worst moment, but i must admit that this time i really "need" help. i'm hoping for a refuge, safe haven, a soulmate that can just fill my heart with strength. i can only do this with a help from someone from my circle of influence. unfortunately there is only one person there, but i can't "reach" her. no amount of talking, convincing, persuading, fickle fuddled words can make me reach to her and make her "feel" or even "see" that i need her "presence" to give me strength to crawl myself out of this deep, dark abyss. to give me a bearing to my journey, some light in the dark and a glimpse of hope. and i promise i will return the favor by giving a life full of passion and meaning.

i am at your feet
god i want you so badly
and i wonder this
could tomorrow be
let me drink you please
i won't spill a drop, no... i promise you

i'm walking on a very fine line between hope and hopeless
i'm slipping down with no breaks
i'm drowning

please save me... please...

S.O.S