dust in the wind

i've have been rather occupied for the last few weeks with quite a bit of spacing out and momentary lapse of reasons somewhere in between. while this fragile mind of mine have been busy handing off unwanted elements that have been fucking up my brain lately, i do managed to find some epiphanies to all that has happened since last year.

there has been too many battle scars... too many pain... too many bitterness... and to say it has all been worth while, i would be a fucking hypocrite cos i'm still waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel... i'm still waiting for the sweetness after all the bitterness... i'm still waiting for some satisfaction after all the patience and persistence... just like war, happiness is a perceived victory with a very hefty price tag.

love remains elusive. its an ideal that i've always look for, but never did realize it. hoping for, but never really understand why do i even want it. is it wrong to hope something in return after i've given so much, or have i? is love=sex? or sex=love? compromise i've done, in the name of love and sacrifice.... so it was... regret i may... but i do realize that love actually is real... but realizing it, is a totally different animal all together.

"we are what we believes" some say and i agree to that. my believe is my integrity. nobody can take that away from me. i believe in honest opinion, even though it hurts. sometime truth hurts, but it is the truth and friendship should always be built based on this. if it is not, then it is just merely acquaintances. i believe in my own life values no matter how stupid and trivial it may sound to others. these are my integrity. tolerate i may, but compromise i will not.

our integrity sells for so little
but it is all we really have
it is the very last inch of us
but within that inch, we are free

i was wrong to believe that life is about reaching a destiny, settling down and being in a comfort zone. but then again, not to be a dick about it, i have to agree that it does work for some people... but not for me... definitely not for me. my life is all about the journey, with no exact destination. x does not mark the spot. apperently this is god's plan for me. but then again, i do seek challenge... i love being on the edge... and come to think of it, that sounds like a plan. accept it i have to, but bow down and loose i don't intend to. i guess he must be laughing his ass off looking at me and my scheme of things.

right, wrong, weak, strong
ashes to ashes all fall down
look around about this round about
this merry-go-round and around
well if at all god's gaze upon us falls
it's with a mischievous grin, look at him

life come with certain expectations and responsibilities, thus require us to make certain compromise for the sake of others. wisdom do tell us of the things we're suppose to do... but never did tell us what to do... go figure.